Who are you?
I’m a bloke who’s just nudged 50 and living in the western suburbs of Melbourne. Being out west is pretty good and the area is quite unjustly maligned. Sure, other than the odd gunshot, random stabbing and tyre burnout, it’s really quite peaceful.
Why do you walk?
Years ago I spent some time in the Australian Army in North Queensland. When I look back at those days, some of my fondest memories are of extended trips into the bush on exercise. I can thank the army for introducing me to the outdoors which I’ve loved ever since. Actually, army life can teach many things such as binge drinking, high speed unlicensed driving, enhancing fighting skills with the locals and the chance to get blown up for your country. How great is that? What more do you want in a job?
What’s the purpose of the blog?
I’ve always enjoyed writing, so in 2010, I started this blog, but I must admit, I didn’t have a clear structure in mind. I’d been doing a bit of hiking, so it seemed logical to start off with that as a main topic. Mind you, the outdoors was only ever meant to be the overall framework, so I could then waffle on about anything and everything. This explains why there are many non-walking related posts.
You’re kind of ‘beefy’. Why do you look like that, if you walk so much?
Thanks for the insult. Once, I was actually the world’s thinnest man as a result of running (from law enforcement) for 20 years, but my knees are shot now, so I’ve headed into a different world of exercise. Weight doesn’t melt off like it did 20 years ago and I’ve come to the conclusion I’m not ‘beefy’, but just ‘large limbed’, including my stomach limb. At least I’m still outdoors and having the wind blowing through my jet black toupée.
What season do you find the most enjoyable to walk in?
This is easy, as I’m one of the hottest men in the universe. Oh yeah, if you’re wondering, I’m not sexy hot, but just bloody hot. I love winter walking, particularly in coastal areas. Who doesn’t like the briny taste of a southerly ripping in off the water? I do hike over summer, but I always dread the amount of water I have to carry on each walk just to survive.
What’s with the ‘fiasco’ in your blog title?
Early on in this walking caper I realised a lot of things seem to go wrong whilst I’m outdoors. It’s not all beer and skittles, as I seem to experience a number of fiascos per hike. It got me wondering when I began to read outdoor blogs, they seldom mention the mishaps, which surely occur along the way? Mishaps are entertaining, so I make sure they get pride of place within my posts.
What’s your idea of an ideal hiking blog?
Are you a tool? My blog of course! How hard is that? Actually, after reading a zillion hiking blogs I’ve come to realise one doesn’t actually have to do much walking to write about the outdoors. All you have to do is write frequent lists about gear and reflect on it. This creates the illusion you’re out and about and as long as you write as if you know what you’re talking about, you’ll have an official ‘outdoor blog’. How easy’s that? There are exceptions of course, but the actual ‘real’ hikers who do some serious mileage don’t write blogs, as they’ve no time due to the walking. This is one reason why I can post an entry every 25 seconds.
Do you walk with anyone else?
I normally walk on my own, but I have been dragged out with others on hikes. There are plenty of oddballs I come across out bush (mind you, I’m talking about others, not me obviously) so I’ll make sure they get a mention in the blog as well. Lately an old work colleague, the ‘Smuffin’, has ventured out with me. He’s a pretty good walker and other than having ballerina ankles, he likes to put in the hard yards.
My son accompanies me on some hikes as well. He hasn’t become too mentally affected by this yet, as it’s all character building. In the words of my former drill Sergeant, “The pain is short, but the memory is long.”
In your photos, why’s your face always covered?
I’m maintaining the ‘man of mystery’ mystique, in which I don’t want to reveal I’m freakishly handsome and I’ve descended from the heavens on a bed of Lindt chocolate.
I’m looking at you now though and you’re a dead ringer for the Elephant Man.
Ease up blabbermouth. You’ll let the secret out.
The next question is a difficult one, as there’s no easy way to say it. Are you insane?
Huh? I’m you and you’re asking me if I’m insane? If you weren’t me, I’d hit you over the head with a large rubber mallet.
Okay, that makes sense. Can you tell me about the world title you hold?
Sure. I’m actually the undefeated ‘World Nude Combat Chess Champion’ (WNCCC) It’s a sport that’s a lot tougher than people give it credit for.
What? Chess? How so?
Well, you try and enact the Sicilian Defence when applying the ‘Stepover Toe Hold’ whilst completely starkers. Try that for five years straight in a tournament and get back to me.
Okay. What’s your favourite word?
Turnip. At least once a day I try and use that word. You know, as in, “The sun is beating down turnips today.” or “Darling, what a beautiful turnip shaped face you have.”
What’s your favourite food?
You think I’m going to say turnip again, don’t you? Actually, I love spuds or as Dan Quayle prefers to spell them, ‘potatoe’.
Is there any reason why you’re wearing a tinfoil helmet during this interview?
Well, it’s protection from the mind reading aliens and government out there. Actually, you look a bit green around the gills. Are you from outer space by any chance? I’m a little suspicious.
I’ve no idea, you’re the one asking the questions. Is this finished? Do you think anyone will care about what’s written here?
Nope, probably not. Generally what you’re saying is completely pointless.
Phew, that’s lucky. I’m glad no one’s reading this, as I’ve waffled on with a fair bit of crap.